I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
