I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
