those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
