At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
