You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
