My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i drank out of a bidet.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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