My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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