Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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