We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
