do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just cropdusted the office
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
