i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Shame - the story of my life.
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