help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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