you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
