my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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