umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
