Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
