my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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