seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
