My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
