Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
