i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
