Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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