you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
