You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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