So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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