I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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