I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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