youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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