Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
