I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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