And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
