Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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