i permit you to call me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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