That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
