but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
