She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
