I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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