so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
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