in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
