How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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