Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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