you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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