so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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