Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
