i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Come on in and take your pants off
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