Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
