after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
