Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
