in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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