He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
