dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
