when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Farmville is her only friend.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
