I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
