i just had sex bonerless
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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