i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
