Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
